and again, and again, and again....
I'm sitting in my kitchen, I'm looking around at the mess, the dirty dishes, the POUNDS of zucchini from my garden that are weeks old and I just can't seem to bring myself to do anything with them and I SHOULD be cleaning, painting, building, ANYTHING other than what I'm doing right now.
But here I sit, typing away. For no other reason than the fact that it has been on my heart and my mind to do so for months now.
For the past 3.5 or maybe 6 years even, I have been in a state of flux. I mean actually I've always been in flux. You've always been in flux. We are all fluxing all the time. But I guess I've noticed the flux for the past 6 years. And before that I thought we shouldn't flux, we should sit still and get into a groove that will be our entire life until we retire or die. Maybe this thought came from having a somewhat traumatic childhood, like most 80's babies. Too much uncertainty so I craved something solid as I grew up. Well when I had kids I wanted that middle class life that I was promised but, as every elder millennial on the internet has documented extensively, that was not in the cards.
So I had my first son at 30 and thought 'Now What?'. So my husband and I worked more, got raises, had a second kid and still asked 'Now What?'. Then I was able, I choose, to leave my profession and stay home with my almost 2 year old, and since then, for the past 6 years, I've been trying to figure it out. And the only thing I have figured out is that there is nothing to figure out. And that's AMAZING. Everything just is and it will never be finished and because it will never be finished, life, your to be read pile, the cleaning, the laundry, everything will just go on, there is a freedom in that. There is a freedom to breath and to take the time to do the thing you want, and to begin again.
And that is where I'm at today. I am beginning again today. I am not an expert in anything, I come from a great deal of privilege that I must acknowledge, but I have been listening and learning and growing for a while now. And I think I have a fresh perspective to share. I have a desire to help. I'm inspired to put thoughts and words and ideas out there for them to find the right eyes and ears that need to hear them.
