I give myself permission to enjoy this day.
I give myself permission to be inspired.
I give myself permission to take action when called to.
I give myself permission to say no, or not right now.
I give myself permission to take a break.
I give myself permission to stop.
I grew up in a household where we constantly had to ask permission for things, mostly around money or items. Having kids now I understand that is normal and necessary, but there is a difference between the way I needed to act in order to receive vs my kids. I'm trying to figure out if this is gender, nature vs nurture, or a different time, I'm not really sure.
My family dynamic was very patriarchal, women, even if they were making their own money, or more money, needed to ask to use it on 'non-essential items'. But I never really noticed any men needing to ask for new bowling balls or hunting guns or anything like that. Not only did all the women in my family need to ask for these things but they/we needed to kind of put on a performance. I'm not sure if you can relate, but my experience was we needed to act cute, be a little coquette-ish, and be adorable so we couldn't be turned away. As I'm typing this, I am picturing my 7-year-old son doing this with puppy dog eyes, so it must not be totally a gender thing.
Even as a 40-year-old woman, if there is something I want, just to want, or something I think would really add value to whatever it is I'm doing in this life, I feel the need to put on some kind of little girl flirtation with my husband so he doesn't get mad at me for spending money. For the record, he doesn't get mad at me, it would never be a big deal, but some part of me still finds the need to put on this act.
I was thinking about the epigenetics of it all. The idea that experiences in our ancestral lines could affect how we experience the world today. I am not claiming to know the super science of it all, but for THOUSANDS of years and innumerable cultures, women have not had the autonomy to make and conduct themselves as they saw fit. I'm sure there are exceptions, and God I hope there are, but from my understanding of history women were always asking permission and/or begging for forgiveness. And I wonder how much of this is just ingrained in us? Kind of like the taming of wolves into dogs, the gentle 'cute' ones were kept around to be bred into more gentle cute pups.
At this point, I kind of hope you aren't relating to this, I hope you don't have this ingrained quality that feels the need to ask for permission or feels guilty for doing something just for yourself. Seriously, if this is you, teach me how!
I always go back to blaming capitalism. The idea is that if I purchase something I either have had to earn it with my bare hands OR that it will help me produce something to provide value to my family. There always has to be an end goal. These are some other ideas I want to get rid of for myself and anyone else who is struggling with it. I don't really know how yet.
What I do know is that we can deserve things and have things and enjoy things just because we are here. The chances of us being born and on this planet is like 1 in a trillion or something like that. We are made of matter from stars that exploded billions of years ago. We are the ancestors of women who fought and asked permission and begged forgiveness so that they could survive and we could be here today.
There is no price tag to put on the value you bring into the world at this moment and how your impact will be felt in years to come. The ripples that you are setting into motion, who will feel them, and how they will be felt are not calculable.
